Thursday, April 12, 2012

Happy, Sad, Happy, Sad...

Been a bit absent lately. I've needed to take some time for myself, enjoy my children's spring break, and also a small vacation with my Hubby in Las Vegas. (Okay, I admit, that last one was desperately needed after the rainiest March on record here!) You see, I've been a bit blue. And in between feeling blue, I am elated at the way my patterns are turning out. Because I feel like this is my safe space, I'm going to share a personal experience.

I am grieving right now. Not in usual sense that some one died. But because a friendship died. It's funny how one day I will be doing great, not much thinking about it, and then other days, like today, I lose sleep and can focus on nothing else. It saddens me. I normally am very good at choosing the people I let into my life. I don't let the drama, the gossip, or the mean get in. I hold on to those I care about, and have their backs, so to speak. I listen, I help, I encourage. I let people "vent" if they need to, knowing it's normal to let off steam. I never feel the need to go to someone else and share what I've heard. It's just not right. So imagine my surprise when it happens to me. (By the way, I am SO NOT perfect, just cognizant of other's feelings.)

I helped a friend with a big event, as did my hubby. We spent a lot of time on this, and found child care for the three days required. We did not ask for payment. The event was stressful, but I felt went smoothly. Someone quit after that, and it put a lot of strain on my friend. I took her tea, and listened. No big deal, it happens. I was there for her. But something funny started to happen after that. A silly little rumor gets started about me and this other person, and when I went to share how funny this was with the people involved, I get "un-friended", and shut out. Hmm. Before I get the chance to fully process what is happening, another person is fired for telling me in the first place. Wow, now I really don't know what to do because I am now involved in a person getting fired. Not a good place to be, as I really like this gal. Then, just because life couldn't get any stranger, I start getting private messages from people. More than a few, less than ten, telling me about things that were said about me, by my friend, quite a while ago. And I, oblivious to this, and because no one wants to be the bearer of bad news, continue to visit my friend and fight for a friendship that I guess was never what I thought it was. So it all started making sense, why some people who I used to converse with frequently, suddenly stopped. Why when someone saw me at the person's business, she said, "You still come in here???" I didn't put it all together until suddenly, at a round table discussion with friends, it all comes back like Dory's memory in Finding Nemo. Fast, image after image, comment after comment.

She told people such a wide array of things, from the benign weird, to the downright hurtful. She attacked me and my family. Now I stand accused of "convincing people to leave." First, if I had that kind of power I'd go into politics. (My power of suggestion is so great, I must not even realize I do it, LOL) Next, that puts far more "give a crap" than I'd care to expend. So I talk about it here in this post, but have decided to hold my head high, and other than this post, which is born of sadness, frustration, and a sense of defending myself, I will not speak ill of her, have not engaged in any negative dialogue, and mostly just hope she finds happiness, wherever that may be.

Something wonderful has happened out of this situation, however. I have discovered a treasure trove of heart, friendship, support, camaraderie, and love. I have a group of girlfriends now who sew together frequently, laugh and eat together, but most of all, support each other in all the ups and downs life has to offer. I am so lucky and blessed! I lean on them for my sad days (like today), and my glad days (like today)! I am there for their sad days and glad days as well, and who new that out of sadness would be born a support group like this!

My friend said this: "When it comes to grief, you cannot go around it, under it, or over it. You have to go through it." I am so happy to have my friends and family having my back as I *try* to go through it, when really I just want to hide from it.

So thank you for making it this far! More gladness, I have received some proofs, some things are ready to go to print, copyrights are purchased, and I'll start work on the website next week! I can't believe how fast things are happening now, and I am positive that my days are going to be mostly ups from here on out. :)

Enjoy your day! 

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